


Pole Vaulting Over Boiling Water

by orphan_account



Category: YuYu Hakusho
Genre: Drunkenness, M/M, Masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-03
Updated: 2011-08-03
Packaged: 2017-11-14 10:51:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/514460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yusuke wonders what the whole point of being back in the human world is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pole Vaulting Over Boiling Water

So old Yusuke busted his balls trying to get home to the living world just to find? If you guessed news that Keiko found herself a new damn boyfriend like she threatened to then congratulations, you know the story of my crappy life. Want a cookie? How about an ass beating? I was in the mood to tear someone a new one when I found out I got dumped, but damn if I can blame her. She now has a new sap to yell at, not that that'll stop her from bitching at me like she always has. Damn it, I'll always love her, but it looks like I'll have to move on if I plan on getting laid sometime this century, not that any of you losers out there needed to know that. 

The thing is, though, I came back to the damn living world mostly so I could be with Keiko. Now that I'm back I no longer see the point of hanging around. Those big wigs up in spirit world don't really want me around, and shoot nobody in living world ever really wanted me either, besides Keiko, and my mom. At least mom was happy to see me. While I was gone she got married and had another kid. He was almost two. So I'm a big brother all of a sudden. I've gotta show Hideki how to throw a good right hook, if he knows what's good for him. A lot of jackasses are out there, and even though I'm done being Spirit Detective I can't help but want to perform some thrilling heroics here and there. It gets the blood going better than cigs do, not that I don't love a good smoke. I'm not addicted or anything, but sometimes there's nothing like a good cigarette to improve my mood when it's reduced to a pile of crap, like now as I stand on the damn street waiting for Kurama to show up. He's going to help me study so I can get into some school, or something. Damn it, I thought I was done with school, but apparently there are ways I can get into some sort of college. I heard Kuwabara was attending one. Well, good for him! Unlike me, he actually wants to make something of himself.

Speak of the devil. I caught the damn bastard strolling down the corner, so I called to him. His nose was buried in some stupid book, but when he looked up he seemed confused. 

"Urameshi? Why the hell are you here?" 

"Great way to greet an old friend," I said, stamping out my cigarette. Damn, I remember the old days like they were yesterday. By now I'd have Kuwabara's ugly mug sliding against the pavement and that right there made my day. If there's one thing I don't suck at it's ass kicking, and you know what? Kuwabara was a great target, always insisting 'today's the day!', and damn it! It was just funny to ram him into the pavement. Then that whole thing with me dying and being brought back to life and yadda-yadda, you know the damn story. He and I started kicking ass and taking names together. It'd be interesting to see how far he could get in the demon world tournament with his new skills, though I wouldn't want to risk getting him killed in the process. I guess you could say that he's my best friend, at least in this realm of being, and I've been to plenty of 'em. Still, this moron was pretty fun to mess with.

"So hey, how's it going?" he said, tucking his book back into his bag. It looked like some biology, or environmental crap. So Kuwabara is a nerd now? That's quite a way to go from being a complete moron, but my hat's off to him. I'll be lucky if I do half as good. That school crap's never really been for me, but if Kuwabara can do it then anyone can. 

"Ah, same old. Life sucks no more or less than usual, and Keiko dumped me." 

"She what?!" said Kuwabara, all but dropping his bag. I thought he'd take it like that, then half-expected him to point and laugh in my face. That'd be my cue to beat the crap out of him and say to hell with this college shit, I'll go flip burgers until demon world's next tournament. He was too damned dumbfounded to speak, though I didn't know what his problem was. I mean, just look at me, look at her, and do the freakin' math. It wasn't meant to work out, so it wasn't meant to work out. I'll live, she'll live, Kuwabara will live, the whole goddamn world would live. So why in the hell did this crap choke me up? I'm not some stupid little girl. I didn't need to freakin' cry or anything. Plenty of things in the world sucked, handling this should be a piece of cake damn it all! 

"Pick your damn jaw up off the ground, man. You could stuff a truck in there, and your breath leaves much to be desired." 

"What are you talking about, Urameshi?!? I brush three times I day. Gotta keep my pearly whites sparkling for my Yukina," he said, jabbing his thumb toward his teeth like a freakin' moron. Nah, he's not so much a nerd as he is a dork now, and yet he hasn't changed all that much. Punching him looked fun right about then. 

"Whatever." I don't know who he was trying to kid. At the rate he and Yukina seemed to be going they wouldn't be married until he was an old man. Besides, call me crazy, but it'd kinda suck for her to fall for him and then have him go dying on her once he got old. I never thought of it that way until Keiko said something. She was the one in our relationship that did the thinking and the nagging, and I did the ass kicking and world saving. Better stick to what I'm good at, I guess. Relationship advice is not my forte, so I'll bite my tongue on that and have a hell of a damn good day, you dumb bastard.

"What? Don't you give me the apathetic treatment, Urameshi! I might be in college and you might be some demon lord's son, but I'll still beat you!"

"Yeah, at the word game, maybe." I picked at an itch in my ear. "Congratulations, your vocabulary's a whopping five words while mine's still at a three, but I'll make your ass slide anytime, pal. Don't you tempt me."

"All right, that's it!" Kuwabara started flexing his muscles like he was even remotely impressive. I had no doubt that he had been working out, sharpening his skills, and probably had a better handle on his spirit sword. That didn't mean he stood a chance against me. As always, he charged blindly toward me and I swung my fist at him. When I connected, he grabbed a fist full of my shirt and tried to drag me down, though it may as well have been a four year old girl trying to drag me into the girly section of a toy store. He was stronger all right, but compared to me he was nothing. I kicked him between the belt and the rib cage, sending him flying into a trash can. Ah, this was just like the good old days, though somehow less satisfying now that our skill levels were wedged even farther apart. Still, you have to respect the guy's spirit. The guy just doesn't know when to quit. 

"Take the banana peel off your head, jackass. You look pathetic," I jeered, and earned myself a mouth full of fist for. I wasn't expected him to actually knock me back, but hey. He doesn't suck, at least not in general. He wouldn't be getting away with that, though. I wonder if there's any part of his body I haven't bruised at least once since we first met. 

Just as this was starting to get fun, though, freakin' Kurama showed up and broke it up. What's more, fun time is over now. Kurama and I headed into the cafe, which was bad enough without Kuwabara following us in, which he did. Somehow fighting an S-class demon seemed less painful than algebra, and I soon found out why. OK, it's one thing to completely suck at math and have Kurama point out my mistakes. He's always been the smart one on the team. I wouldn't be surprised if he invented his own damn branch of math! No, the killer was Kurama leaving the table for a few moments and then freakin' Kuwabara pointing out my mistakes. I mean, yeah, I told him to get into that school and I told him to make himself useful. I meant it, too, but damn. Kuwabara was smarter than me. At least, smarter at this school crap. That was new. Also, I had to admit, I was a little jealous. I could accept never being Kurama-smart, or Keiko-smart; that was always going to be a given. Being dumber than Kuwabara of all people, though. I have to admit, that was a real eye-opener for me. 

"So Yusuke, have you made any progress?" said Kurama, taking my paper and skimming through it. He looked confused, a look that just didn't suit him. "You seem to be progressing. Did you check the answers in the back of the book?"

"There are answers in the back?" said Kuwabara, which really gave me a headache. Yeah, dumbass, even I knew that. At the same time, though, he wasn't messing around. His answers and explanations were all correct. I mean, holy crap, Kuwabara. THAT Kuwabara was a freakin' nerd. What the hell was the world coming to? 

"Nah, this jerk helped me out," I said, jabbing my thumb toward Kuwabara. I was hoping Kurama would be just as surprised as I was, but all he did was chuckle. Seriously, did I miss something? Did I come back to the right world? Are these the same people I knew three years ago? Well, Kurama, yeah. He spent plenty of time in demon world with me. But what the hell was all this? First Keiko dumps me for good, and now Kuwabara's hard work was actually paying off. Geez, way to make a guy feel like a complete sap.

"Is that so?" Kurama smiled and winked at Kuwabara, which was kind of creepy. When did Kurama find time to tutor a hopeless case like Kuwabara? Did he have the power to turn people into nerds, including me? It was a freaky thing to consider, but really I wouldn't put it past him. Kurama's the nicest guy ever, but he was a crafty son-of-a-bitch and knew how to get the results he wanted. He's probably a bigger part of why Hiei didn't kill us all back in the day than we know; if Hiei didn't listen to Kurama, he didn't listen to anyone. If knowing how to get through to Hiei of all people wasn't bad enough, it seems Kurama played a part in helping Kuwabara discover how to use his brain. 

I wasn't sure if I wanted him tweaking my brain cells and making me into the school zombie that Kuwabara turned into. I only considered doing this because mom wouldn't let me live with her otherwise. She was only happy to see me alive and kicking, I guess. Even with the kid and husband she was still a slob and a drunk, and she wasn't going to spend her beer money on feeding me if I didn't plan on either getting a job, or going to school. No one was hiring, so that's really how I ended up in this stupid situation. And you thought old Yusuke was just going to go to college for the fun of it. Don't make me hurl. 

"You've created a monster, Kurama," I said, pushing the books away from me. Three math problems was more than I cared to do in one day, and Kurama wanted me to do twenty. Well, he could kiss my ass. Maybe the arcade was hiring. It's been a whole two days since I checked. 

"What do you mean?"

"What, you think brains over here learned how to do this crap out of sheer will power and luck? This isn't a battle, you know." I laughed. 

"Hey, watch it, Urameshi!" 

"Will power indeed had everything to do with it," said Kurama, packing the math away. This is the most I've ever studied in my life, he could at least give me that. "Mathematics requires skill and practice, much like fighting. If you had the will to do more than three problems, then you could be as good as Kuwabara." 

"Oh please, I don't need to do any of this crap." I got up, yawned, and headed for the door. "Thanks, man, but I just can't do this. I'm going job hunting." 

If I took two goddamned minutes to think about it, I would have remembered that I already freakin’ did that yesterday, and the day before, and the day before, but it didn’t matter. I was really pissed. Pissed that my brain might as well have been a pile of dog crap, even compared to Kuwabara’s. It didn’t actually matter, but it still pissed me off. This school crap required time and effort, which were two things I just didn’t have for stuff that I didn’t care about. So I revisited store after store after store, hoping that someone had gotten their ass fired in the last twenty-four hours so that I could squeeze myself into their former position. Wouldn’t you know it, no such luck. I even had a few geezers who remembered the old Yusuke, the one involved in gang violence and all that crap I did before I died, came back, and became a Spirit Detective. Said they’d rather have a root canal than hire the likes of me. Well, screw you, too, jerks! Forget the goddamned past already. I didn’t even get brownie points for hopping out into the middle of the fucking road just to save a stupid little kid from getting hit by a car? What a joke. 

I kicked an empty can of coffee into a dumpster and growled. Two hours I wandered through town, and shops were starting to close. My stomach growled. I never did make it to the arcade. Slipped my mind while I was being pissed. I had a home in the damned demon world. I could go be pissed down there, and beat the crap out of everyone that stared at me funny. Common folks in the living world wanted nothing to do with me. Spirit world thought I was a damned monster. Keiko had moved on with her life. Kuwabara was actually competent in something. No matter where I turned it seemed life really had gone on without old Yusuke. I might as well have stayed dead all those years ago. Could have saved me a lot of damned trouble. 

Found another can, but no dumpster to kick it into. I kicked it anyway, but it wasn’t completely empty. Got beer all over my shoe. Hmm, beer seemed like a pretty good idea. I was near the place that never carded me. It still never carded me. I had been back exactly once already. Nice to know that I could rely on at least one thing to be unchanged. That was the day I found out that I had been dumped. Somehow I was even more pissed now than I was then. 

I used my pocket cash to purchase two six packs and went on my merry way. Going home would be a bad idea, because I wanted this beer inside of me, not mom. I thought of heading up to Genkai’s for a moment, but then thought better of it. She’d take my beer away and tell me that I was being pathetic. Stupid hag. After what I pulled today, not showing my face around Kurama was probably wise. I didn’t want to waste anymore of his time. What that left was Keiko and Kuwabara, and Keiko topped the list of things that pissed me off at the moment. 

I pulled out my pack of cigarettes, lit one up, and took a long drag. That was better. If I kept this up I’d start getting nic fits pretty soon. Or not. Who knew what having demon blood did to this body, besides make it built to withstand a barrage of missiles. Well, I actually haven’t tested that out yet, but I would imagine so. I’m made of better stuff than most goddamn war machines, which made me a freak of nature. I’ve never had a problem with this, but everyone else seemed to. 

I was hungry, too. Hopefully that moron had some food. Speaking of which, I arrived at his front door just as it growled for the thousandth time. Maybe I’d forgo the food in favor of making myself drunk faster. Maybe not. Both options were tempting. I took one last drag of my cigarette and stamped it out as I rang the door bell. His sister was the one to answer the door. 

“Oh, it’s you,” she said. That’s some way to greet and old friend. She had her eyes on my beer more than me, so going home probably would have been no different. Good job, Yusuke. Once again you prove to be such a fucking genius. “Kazuma is busy studying.”

“Figures. I guess you’re gonna have to be the one to help me chug these.” Damn. Kuwabara didn’t drink beer, so I was so sure I wouldn’t have to share. No matter how bad Shizuru was, she still wasn’t my mom. No one was. Also, I had the advantage of an empty stomach. I plopped my ass down on their couch with my back up against the arm, popped open a beer, and chugged. She raised an eyebrow at me and popped open a beer of her own. We didn’t talk. She seemed to understand exactly what this was, ever so keen and aware of just about any crap you can think of. I got two beers in me by the time she finished her one, belched, and found myself wanting food again. They had some leftover noodles that smelled like farts, but I ate them anyway. 

By the time I was four beers ahead of Shizuru’s two she turned on the television and left the room with her third, saying she had a headache and was going to bed. She offered me one of her cigarettes, but I didn’t feel like it. I was watching a game show where some guys had to pole vault over boiling water to reach a yellow flag. Most of them failed. Who the hell comes up with this stuff anyway? On my seventh beer I just didn’t give a fuck. Things that didn’t make sense were OK now, such as the boner I got watching this program. 

The real clincher to this evening was when Kuwabara walked out of his room announcing to the world that he had to take a huge piss. Beer number eight, and my pants were chafing. The sound of his voice made it worse. Well goddamn. 

Once he was done taking care of business he spotted me on the couch and pointed toward me. “Urameshi?! What are you doing here?” 

“Tap dancing. What does it look like I’m doing?” I knocked back the last of my eighth can, beer dribbling down the corners of my mouth and soaking into the collar of my shirt. Not that I gave a fuck. It was just as tempting to take off my shirt as it was to take off my pants, though, so I lost the damn shirt. 

“Why don’t you go get drunk at your own damn house?” 

“What’s the fun in that?” Beer number eight. Umm, it was eight, right? Ah the hell with it. I suck with numbers anyway. I opened my “eighth” beer and started to drink it, but not as quickly as the other ones. The head on my shoulders felt like muck and the one in my pants felt like a goddamn brick. I imagined for a moment Kuwabara putting his big, stupid mouth on my dick and was oddly OK with the idea. More than OK, actually. “Damn it.” 

“I think you’ve had enough,” said Kuwabara, frowning at the sea of beer cans at the foot of the couch. Eight beers and I’m fucking toasted. When did I become such a lightweight anyway? Mother would be so ashamed. 

“I think.” Heh. “I think these pants are making my dick hurt. Mind if I lose ‘em?” 

“Wait, what the hell do you think you’re doing?!” 

I unzipped my fly and pulled down my underpants, just to free the demon in my pants. They weren’t pole vaulting on T.V. anymore, but they were trying to sell me body wash with some naked girls in the shower. Ah, sweet. I wasn’t really paying attention to Kuwabara anymore as I jerked off. I think he might have left or something. Who fucking knows? Once the girls on T.V. turned into a commercial about lawn mowers I shut my eyes and let my hand do its thing. I did a whole lot of this in demon world, jerking my wad for satisfaction. Well, it wasn’t all that satisfying. I just got boners a whole lot. All that half-naked rough housing. All that sweat, and muscles, and grime. It was a miracle that I didn’t come back to the living world gay as assless chaps, because some days I felt it. Even now, I imagined that it was Kuwabara’s hand jerking me off rather than my own, and I came all over my stomach. Ah, that was better, except now I noticed that the head on my shoulders was throbbing. 

Having a tissue box thrown at it only made it worse. 

“I’d kill you if you weren’t such a fucking mess right now,” said Kuwabara, who apparently had stayed for the show. I wiped myself clean of spooge and was confused when Kuwabara stuck a trash can underneath my nose. Did he think I had to hurl? “Throw it away, you idiot.”

“You mean this?” I tossed it toward the basket and apparently missed, even though it was that close to me. Kuwabara grumbled as he tossed that in the trash along with all the beers. I didn’t get what his deal was, but I also didn’t get why people pole vaulted over boiling water. Bunch of damn idiots they all were. I was the biggest idiot of them all, though. A big damn fool. I didn’t belong here. I was a fucking monster, and Kuwabara was a fucking nerd, just like everyone else. Man, drinking all that beer and eating those farty noodles was such a bad idea. 

Also, I had to pee. 

“‘Cuse me for a moment.”

Somehow I remembered where the bathroom was. I got my pee done in time to hurl. My aim was bad because I stepped in something wet. I did remember to flush the toilet, though. Once I returned to the living room I grabbed my shirt and headed for the door. 

“Smell ya later, dork.” 

Next thing I knew I woke up with one bitch of a headache, in a bed rather than a futon, so I obviously didn’t make it home. I could hear snoring from the floor, which only made my head hurt more. I would have stuffed a sock in Kuwabara’s mouth to make him shut the hell up, but that took effort, and I had less to spare today than I did yesterday. 

So the hell with it. I pulled the covers up over my eyes and fell back to sleep, sun and snores be damned. 

END


End file.
